What I am doing?

‘The more I read, the more I confuse, the more I feel like banging my head to the wall?’ This is the comment I got from most of the first year PhD students in my department. Is it really that bad doing a PhD? 

Okie, I’d share you my view on this. It is the sixth month I am doing my PhD, I do confusing or conflicting myself most of the time. Especially there are zillion possibilities in research. Especially I am doing social science research, and the ‘experiment’ is not something I can see or grab. Well, experiment is one of the qualitative methods though. I have to use loads of imagination and think how they could work together. Or I should imagine each contributing element is an atom, when atom combines with another atom or molecule, what happens? Set theory and Aristotle’s syllogism guide my way of thinking a lot. Still, you know…’what am I doing?’ is the last thing I usually ask myself after all the literature. 

Sometimes I can produce more words, sometimes zero (ssshh, don’t tell my supervisor). Sometimes I would just stare at the screen and have my brain somewhere else thinking sub research topic, day dreaming. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep, as I wish that if I don’t sleep, then tomorrow will never come, and again, what am I doing? 

I am almost approaching to the next stage in my life. Most of my friends have married, settle down with their loves one, became parents, owned assets and properties..and ME? Still hanging around, reading, writing, uncertain future.. what am I doing? 

I have recently watched a film talking about our life as a PhD. I can feel the movie completely… I feel like I am Cecilia in the movie, what am I doing? 

Have also recently attending Chair / Reader / lecturership presentation …Basically these people (Drs, Profs, etc) come in pitching for a job position. It has truly widen my knowledge on what the academic industry is about… I am getting there to know what am I doing… 

I think I know what I am doing. I am doing a PhD which provides me the highest level of freedom and space to think in my way and produce something that contributes to knowledge in my way. If you are intrigued about most stuff you see in life, doing a PhD probably is best. I am not those ambitious people, ie: creating a brand new paradigm, developing new theory, creating a new product or a god, or a philanthropist.. I just want to fully utilise my three years to contribute to the society for a better life. Perhaps a tiny weeny piece of work of mine will help changing something in the world in a few, ten, twenty years’ time? 

PS: I am tapping hard on the keyboard, people may think that I am busy writing up..haha… I do busy writing up, but writing up a blog post…lol