Sliding doors

Sliding doors  - I personally quite agree with the saying 'friends are like sliding door'. To be precise, I would say people who come into your life are like sliding door. Sometimes you just wouldn't know when it will start, when it will just fade away.

Sometimes when you feel a group of people that you meet can really be your true friends, then due to the split opinions and different philosophy o life, it fades away.

Same as if for lover. Sometimes you meet someone and when you think this is the person who you can really spend your life with, then it is finished.

So, why bothers? Since this is not something you could control. There is no right or wrong, it is just not meant to be..

What I am doing?

‘The more I read, the more I confuse, the more I feel like banging my head to the wall?’ This is the comment I got from most of the first year PhD students in my department. Is it really that bad doing a PhD? 

Okie, I’d share you my view on this. It is the sixth month I am doing my PhD, I do confusing or conflicting myself most of the time. Especially there are zillion possibilities in research. Especially I am doing social science research, and the ‘experiment’ is not something I can see or grab. Well, experiment is one of the qualitative methods though. I have to use loads of imagination and think how they could work together. Or I should imagine each contributing element is an atom, when atom combines with another atom or molecule, what happens? Set theory and Aristotle’s syllogism guide my way of thinking a lot. Still, you know…’what am I doing?’ is the last thing I usually ask myself after all the literature. 

Sometimes I can produce more words, sometimes zero (ssshh, don’t tell my supervisor). Sometimes I would just stare at the screen and have my brain somewhere else thinking sub research topic, day dreaming. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep, as I wish that if I don’t sleep, then tomorrow will never come, and again, what am I doing? 

I am almost approaching to the next stage in my life. Most of my friends have married, settle down with their loves one, became parents, owned assets and properties..and ME? Still hanging around, reading, writing, uncertain future.. what am I doing? 

I have recently watched a film talking about our life as a PhD. I can feel the movie completely… I feel like I am Cecilia in the movie, what am I doing? 

Have also recently attending Chair / Reader / lecturership presentation …Basically these people (Drs, Profs, etc) come in pitching for a job position. It has truly widen my knowledge on what the academic industry is about… I am getting there to know what am I doing… 

I think I know what I am doing. I am doing a PhD which provides me the highest level of freedom and space to think in my way and produce something that contributes to knowledge in my way. If you are intrigued about most stuff you see in life, doing a PhD probably is best. I am not those ambitious people, ie: creating a brand new paradigm, developing new theory, creating a new product or a god, or a philanthropist.. I just want to fully utilise my three years to contribute to the society for a better life. Perhaps a tiny weeny piece of work of mine will help changing something in the world in a few, ten, twenty years’ time? 

PS: I am tapping hard on the keyboard, people may think that I am busy writing up..haha… I do busy writing up, but writing up a blog post…lol

Dublin 'Chek'ed!

Am not sure whether I really do need a break after working pretty hard in the Uni, or it is just another excuse for me to have some fun, I just did it, booked a short trip to Dublin for three days two nights and that’s it. ‘Work hard, play hard’ is always my philosophy of life.

This is a trip full with the ‘first time’ headings. Let’s see:

1. First time travelling solo. The experience is awesome as I tend to see more people from different background and culture. I meet a German couple and a Brazil born Japanese in the first day at Guinness Storehouse. I meet with another group of people in the MacCoole tour to the Cliffs of Moher, a Spanish girl, a Chinese lady from Salzburg, a Chinese girl from California, another Chinese girl and boy who are studying in France, and two American boys. It is extremely cool when I bumped into a few Malaysian students. They are being so kind to me by offering me sandwich and a packet of orange juice. In addition, I have spent enough time with myself – thinking : )

2. First time waiting alone in the train station, as early as in 5ish in the morning, where I was surrounded by only guys…I was pretty nervous though, luckily I am fine

3. First time flying with Ryanair. They have this trumpet sound alert upon landing, just to applause that they have made an on time flight. Bah, my return flight is delayed though. Well, to be fair, it is delayed as they are waiting for a late passenger. He was with his crutch, so am not sure whether he is disable or just having some injuries.

4. First time travelling with only my rucksack. Just for the sake of saving some money.

5. First time staying at dorm with 10 beds. I chose to stay in a female dorm. The dorm is really above my expectation; It is in edgy girlie design, equipped with a Jacuzzi. Most importantly it is very clean. Am glad to be roomed with a group of sensible girls who aren’t making noises..

6. First time visiting the tourism spots in the city centre without taking any public transports (ie: bus, DART, LUAS etc). Am not sure how many miles I have walked three days in Dublin

7. First time switching off or disconnecting from the internet, no email, no social network updates etc, am just on my own most of the time which is very cool!

8. First time not being lost wandering around the Dublin city centre. Irish people are generally kind, nice and helpful. There are a couple occasions where the pedestrians stop and helping me out with the direction. There is an Irish man even help me in pressing the traffic light button then he just walked away, I don’t even have a chance to thank him for his kindness :)

9. First time pouring and having my first pint of Guinness

Right, what I have done three days two nights in Dublin..

Day 1:

Arriving at Dublin airport at 11ish. I took Airlink coach to get to the town centre. It costs € 6 per way or € 10 return. After checking in to the GeneratorDublin hostel, I take a quick lunch, which is a own made sandwich (I made it a day before at home), then straight away heading to the first tourism spot – the Guinness Storehouse. I have spent the whole afternoon there, probably most of time are spent in reading the literature :) It is nice to visit as a student, as I tend to get discount on most tickets. The entrance fees for students is € 10.60. The ticket includes a free pint of Guinness. You can either claim it in the Gavity Bar, which is at the top floor where you could enjoy the 360 degree panoramic view of Dublin or claim it in pouring you first pint. Then I wander around Thomas Street, stopping at Tesco Express, get a Sandwich as tomorrow breakfast. As I am in a budget trip, I love the €meal deal, where I could get a sandwich, a packet of crisp and a drink in € 3. As most tourism spots are closed at 5pm, I then heading to The Brazen Head for dinner. They told me it is the oldest pub in Ireland. So I just pop in to have a look. After dinner, I head back to the hostel and have an early night. Still I sleep at about 12ish..

Day 2:

I join the MacCoole tour to Cliffs of Moher. I wake up pretty early as I have to walk to the Dublin Tourism Centre at Suffolk Street which is about 30 minutes walk from the hostel. The weather isn’t being pleasant. It is rainy and cold. I would personally recommended a trip to see the Cliffs of Moher. The view is spectacular. Most tour operators charge € 45 for adult and € 40 for students. MacCoole charge € 40 for all. I take a quick look of the tour operators leaflets  collected from the airport, it looks pretty much the same. Since am taking MacCoole tour, I would say it is a brilliant tour, tour guides are very friendly and chatty. I especially love the mountain walking tour and the homemade carrot cake, hmm, the Irish coffee as well, if only I am given enough time to drink it. I am rushed to get into the bus when I am just about to drinking my coffee. Therefore, I have to drink it in one shot which causes me almost throw up in the bus afterwards, as the bus is heading straight away up to the cliff. The only suggestion to them is that as a visitor, I would appreciate if I am touring in one bus / same bus from start to the end, instead of just drop to a spot, and pick up by another bus considering the poor weather. In addition, I also appreciate it if the tour starts on time. I notice there is a delay here and there, ends up we have only one hour to walk around the cliff. Still it is all good especially meeting with a group of nice people. I have been out from 6am and back to the hostel at 10pm. I am knackered afterwards.

Day Three:

It is my last day in Dublin where I spend most time on my own. I was told by a Chinese lady I met in the tour in day two there is a café in O’Connell street (where the Spire located) serves pretty good cooked breakfast in good price. However, I couldn’t get it clearly from her the name of the café. All I know is the café name has a ‘more’ with it. Therefore, I wake up at 7am, pack, and give a good bye hug to the Salzburg lady, then straight away walking to O’Connell street looking for my cooked breakfast. Am lucky enough to find that café, it is the Kylemore, where 4 items, two toasts and a coffee costs only € 4.99. Am pretty delighted with the breakfast and of course taking some nice pictures along O’Connell street. After that I walk to the Trinity College, I personally think it is a bit expensive paying € 8 student ticket fees just to see the book of Kells and long room. It is something good to see though. Then I walk to the Temple bar area, taking a few shots, and heading to Dublina. It is a good place to visit with your kids, not sure whether it is for a solo traveller like me, lol, still am paying € 6 for it. The sun doesn’t stay long. weather is pretty unpredictable though. It starts raining during noon time, then stops. Sun and rain takes turn for twenty minutes each. Hmm.. I quickly grab a sandwich and having it in the garden of Christchurch cathedral when it is sunny. I then have a quick look Dublin castle, follow by the National Gallery of Ireland (free admission). I take some time watching quite a nice electronic guitarist performance at Grafton Street before heading to the airport.I am extremely knackered on the last day, considering am carrying my rucksack walking from 8am-430pm around the city centre, I really do applaud my fitness. Lol.

  

I am pretty happy with myself. The first thing I think about when I land at Gatwick is where my next destination is. Hence I create a reward system for myself. Once I achieve a goal at work, I will reward myself with a short holiday. What a motivation to myself ! :)

~ Memories ~ 

The start of my PhD

It is indeed my fifth month doing a PhD. I have always wanted to write about my reflection over these five months. This blog post has been saved as a draft for a couple of weeks. I am very glad that I finally have the chance to complete it.

Doing a PhD is totally a different paradigm compare with my working life in the past. The thing with doing a PhD is that it is not a nine to five matters (Liu, 2012). It is a continuous thinking process. In order to complete in three years in a full time basis, I know that I have to give more. I used to have two days for my weekend when I was at work, now, am still trying to take two days off, however, most of the time, ill start doing my prep work on Sunday. In addition, working from 9 – 8 is no longer unusual as I need more time to clear the academic and business as usual (BAU) work. The BAUs include the student Rep responsibilities (i.e. organising social activities, workshops, etc), teaching assistant (slides prep, teaching, marking essays etc), co supervising MSc students, meetings with other PhD for the collaborative academic work etc. I know life has changed. But it is a good change. Nothing comes easy, I always tell myself that if I can survive in these three years, I will be able to achieve more in future.

My desk for the next three years

After five months going through the literature, I realised that actually I really like reading / knowing things that related to philosophy, mathematics and logic. I believe that all inventions in the world have the philosophical thinking / theoretical background behind. And in order to develop it into something that people can use (practical), here comes science to play the role. Something will not be called as science if there is no mathematics foundation.

I especially like the Syllogism from Aristotle, the great ancient Greek philosopher. I think it is one of the best ways in developing a hypothesis. For example:

All mortals die

Some men are mortals

Some men die

In fact, we are making hypothesis by applying syllogism in our daily life whenever we are trying to make judgement or decisions :)

Doing a PhD is giving me a chance to think or research things that I really like to do. I wouldn’t want to be a great philosopher or mathematician or a logician, but I do hope to use my practical / tacit knowledge, incorporate with those great philosophical, mathematical and logical literature, to invent something in my research area so people can use it in the future.

Another thing is I like writing since I was a child. I like to note down how I feel, what I think although most of the times people don’t really getting my message. Still, I do what I like to do. Writing is a core part in a PhD process. It is about capturing my thought process, I guess. After I read, I write down a small bit of my reflection towards the literature I have reviewed. Although English is not my first language, still I think I can develop the English writing skills from time to time.

In addition, these five months is another reflection on me, what is my core strength, what I need to improve, what I can do the most by using my strength. I am lost in the past, especially after a big slump in my mid twenties. Things weren’t good since then. It was indeed the toughest challenge so far. However, I wouldn’t grieve too much about it. Taking it positively, I have learned a great lesson that formulates a better me. It indeed takes me to my current position.

I am very glad that being given the PhD opportunity from my Prof. I know there are still much more to learn from him and the team. I’ll always remember what he says to me ‘My philosophy is I will push you as much as I could. You are like a string, Ill keep stretching you as I know you haven’t snapped yet’. On the other hand, I know I wouldn’t let myself snap easily as I love what I do (Jobs, 2011).

I feel thankful to have a lovely mommy, also my best friend. She is my number one fan in being interested all the time about my research. Sometimes I like to share her about my thought, although I know she wouldn't be able to understand them all, still she is listening attentively. Thanks mom! I heart you :)

Airports

Since 2008, airport has been a place that I love and hate the move. I love it as it is a gate taking me to the destination I dream for. In contrast, I hate it as it gives me the sad feeling when I have to depart with the love ones, parents, ex-es etc..horrible feeling..

The return journey from home to UK after Cny celebration is pretty extensive. The journey involves three airports and the travelling time is up to thirty hours due to twelve hours transit in Muscat International airport. In the first leg flight from Penang to KL, it was hard to hold my tears in front of my parents. I think mom did pretty well, she only started crying when sending me to the security gate. At least I still managed to keep the smile on my face, not until when I turned around, the tears were pouring down. The security officer didn’t asked me a single thing and just let me through.

I thought I would be okie once I am boarding, but actually not. I wept quietly in the plane to KL, and also the plane to Muscat. I think I miss everything back home, the feeling of belonging and being loved. Two weeks isn’t long enough. I appreciate my parent’s effort in trying to get things done for me as much as possible. We have had loads of fun though. And now, I have to get back to a place where it is good for my future life, but being on my own most of the time. I have only myself to rely on.

Written at Muscat International airport: 5-Feb-12, 0735 GMT + 4

Happy 2012

Happy 2012. I just watched the 10 minutes firework display on BBC One. It was awesome. This is my third year in the UK, third time watching / having new year count down at home.

I have been thinking a lot during the one week Christmas and New Year holiday. This is indeed a quiet holiday for me. Just me..

2011 wasn’t a bad year for me.. I have trained myself to be a better in making decision and handling uncertainties… There were achievements and lesson learned, putting it in a positive way… :)

I consider myself lucky to get a job after finishing my MSc study. I am happy that my parents flew over to see me in UK and taking them to holiday. It was fun!! Again, there is a big change in my life when I was granted a full funded PhD in University of Reading. I quitted my job to pursue the PhD study.

In last summer, I was back to single life again. However, I think it is the best decision for both of us. I have missed a few good people in my life. All and all, it is down to ‘fate’ and I am 100% believing in fate. When it is my time, I will be arranged to meet someone. At the moment, the phrase to describe is ‘out of sight, out of mind’

Most people keen to know my ‘plan’. Honestly, I have no plans. But I have dreams. I don’t think I am capable enough to ensure things go exactly as planned, however I can definitely have dreams and knowing how to scale and achieve them.

Cheers Chekantastic! You have survived another year! May 2012 will bring you all happinness

‘活得精彩’

PS: I just realised the only one wish I made when I was in the London Eye has came true :)